Rachtober

I used to be so obnoxious about my birthday.

I called the month “Rachtober” and would wax lyrically about the day, having a celebration that lasted all month. Everyone knew about my birthday! In fact, three weeks before the day, I would tell every library patron that checked out items that their due date was my birthday and, when they returned their things, I would accept all gifts, especially money that folds, not money that rolls (hiyo!). However, in the last few years I seemed to have stopped celebrating the month and myself. I do the obligatory birthday meal with my family, I call my womb-mate and tell her Happy Birthday and I always celebrate my mom the day before but aside from taking the day off from work, I don’t really do anything to celebrate. 

Some of it was Covid. Sure, the height of the pandemic was years ago but during that time of quarantine, I had horrible work experience (that I am still kind of working through), experienced the death of family members that we never properly mourned or celebrated and there was a loss of community that made celebrating feel petty, and made me feel indulgent and selfish and I have not quite regained that sense of commemorating that usualy marks a special occasion. Also? There is a pressure to do something awesome and great for your birthday (and major holidays) also makes me feel anxious and causes inaction. 

The Bee kept asking me if I were excited for my birthday and she looked so disappointed when I said, “Not really.” While eating breakfast, I thought about the day and I realized that the pressure to have the bestest day ever was something I created. Instead of beating myself up for a goal that only *I* have for me, instead, I should just be. A lazt morning turned into a leisurely afternoon and this year was a quietish affair; breakfast with family, a day out and about and later on some sewing. As I type, I appreciate that everything was wonderful. A day with family, some goss with my sister and some good food.

Maybe there will be a time when I make a big deal about important days but for now, I am quietly watching the year change and embracing this new age (chronologically and vibe wise).