In which I go back to work and work through my guilt.
I am eight weeks post op and the moment I have been thinking about has arrived…I am heading back to work in the building, part time. Prepping for my work week means thinking about how to fit in post op carefree (ha) Rachée with busy things to do Rachée and I am feeling a little shook. Sorting meds, figuring out how and when I will be going to the many, many doctors’ appointments, when am I going to get my naps to name a few things. Also, the responsibilities of work…when I got the call, I literally dropped everything and headed to the hospital for surgery and, other than a short visit to check in, have been home (or at hospital appointments) isolating and recovering. I am excited and nervous about my second first day of work but in a “something good is going to happen” manner and not an “oh crap!” way.
Because I am me, I have some feelings about heading back to work and no longer having long stretches of days of recovery and not much else. In the beginning of recovery, I was the world’s worst patient. I was sore, still affected by the anesthesia and, instead of just embracing being home, I wanted to be back to normal so fast. I feel like I have squandered my recovery by rushing the days to return to work because I was unable to recognize that I got a gift of life and time. (Yes, that last line was corny.)
Some of my reluctance in allowing myself to rest and heal was because I was so anxious to be where the people are. Isolating and being confined felt like a prison sentence. I felt well (a little pain and oh yeah, I just had major surgery) but it felt indulgent and extravagant to just be home. Sure, I got winded walking up the stairs and sure, I have a daily nap routine, but I run marathons! and am active! and take care if business! so how can *I* need a recovery? I was talking about these feelings with a relative and that’s when it hit me. I was feeling guilty for having has transplant surgery and for it to have been so successful.
When I go to all of my post-op appointments and lab visits, I always feel like I am too well to be there. The other patients are using some kind of assisted device to get around or they’re hooked up to oxygen and I am bopping in on heels and asking when I can start working out again. I also have some feelings about all of the support I’ve had since the surgery. A wonderful and attentive partner who drove me around like my name was Miss Daisy. Family and friends who have stopped by to help me clean my house or make meals for me while I was winded and couldn’t stand up long enough to warm up a bowl of soup. I kept telling myself that if this were someone else, I would definitely be on “Team Get Well Soon!” but since this support is for me, I have this sense of being selfish and greedy.
At my last appointment, I spoke to a member of my team about these feelings. Actually, I made some self-deprecating joke about being in clinic and then the provider shut it down and told me that everyone has a different post op recovery and that not only should I allow myself the time to rest and recover, but I was also deserving of resting and time off to do it. We talked about some tests and things that I need to do, and I have been mulling over her words and trying to figure out what these emotions are.
Some of my feelings come from being the relative of two kidney transplant recipients who have had their quality of life deeply affected by their surgeries. When I was contemplating dialysis and praying that I would never have to get it, my mom and aunt would give me their experiences and kept informing me that my issues would not be as bad. That their current health issues were complicated by lifestyle choices, but they were chugging along and making it work. From my perspective, their disease seems to be limiting and I think that I feel like my experience has been relatively easy and I can’t wrap my head around the idea that everything is going so smoothly for me when I have seen all of the worst parts of their disease. However, my mom and aunt are so excited about the positive route my illness has taken that I work to fake it until I make it and try to enjoy this shot at health. This means packing my bag for work, getting Large Marge ready for her debut with the people and getting my planner ready.
As I prep for the week, I realize that working through my feelings is something that I need to lean into and allow to happen. It’s uncomfortable and quite a feeling but as my friend said, I am a new woman built for shenanigans, even if they of my own making, and with extra parts.
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