My Cat is Trying To Kill Me!

 r’s note: Affiliate links are used in this post

It seems to me that some of the cats that I grew up watching in cartoons never got a fair shake. Tom was always bested by Jerry, that poor wordless cat from Looney Tunes was constantly harassed and had to thwart the unwanted attentions of Pepe Le Pew, and let’s not even go into the triangle of Sylvester, Tweety and Granny! The SPCA should have come for her! Sure there’s Hello Kitty but she doesn’t even have a mouth and Top Cat lived in a garbage can. I love me some kittehs and always felt like I should take their side however lately my Lil has me re-thinking my opinion.

I fear that she is out to get me!

Yes, peasant?

I’ve come to the conclusion that my Lil is no mere house cat; my Lil is a trained assassin and her target is, gulp, ME! I know you are either laughing or wondering where the men in white are but dig this: no less than three times this week she has made attempts on my life. Don’t believe me? Here is the proof:

At night she finds her comfort on my chest, plopping all ten pounds of herself on my chest or neck as I lie in bed. When I awake startled she gives me that patented cat eye roll and slowly, slowly stretches before jumping off of me.

As I walk up and down my stairs she winds her way through my legs causing me to trip. The irony of this comes from me pretending to trip one of my co-workers during the day. Perhaps this co-worker hired Lil?

Walking through the house I am no less safe! My Lil will pounce on my legs causing me to jump or start. She then does that cat roll thing where in which she gets so aggravated by her failed attempt that she pretends to wash until I am distracted and then she pounces again.

All of her attempts are not so blatant. She tried to give me a heart attack when she caught a mouse and chased me through the house with it. While I do appreciate that she is a good mouser but Holy Hockey Mom! I don’t need THAT gift. She employs psychological warfare, torturing the mouse to death in front of me, a wordless way of telling me to watch out.

Let’s not forget her holding my crochet hook hostage or attacking the yarn that I am using. It’s why I can’t have anything nice!

But Lil has started contacting her work out! The sorta stray cat that lives in my garden, named Noodles by my sister eye roll>, also winds her way through my legs as I sweep leaves, head my car or put the trash out in an attempt for me to eat asphalt. Asphalt hurts, yo, but these cats don’t care!

I’ve gotten my revenge:

To be fair all of her crimes are probably payback for this.

Which caused an epic nap during which many assassination attempts are probably being plotted.

I need to buy some kitty tranquilizers also known as Fresh Pet Cat Food and make peace.

If you don’t hear from me know that Lil was successful and run to the authorities!

-r

Did you like this cat tail?

Read more about Lil here:

Liliana Cupcake joins our family!

That time Lil went missing.