There used to be this blog link up called “Stream of Consciousness Sunday” that I used to participate in. It was just a brain dump of my thoughts, sometimes with a writing prompt, sometimes you were on your own. It’s stopped being a thing I do but every so often I think it should become a thing to do because a brain dump is good to get the thoughts flowing, the ideas out of my head and into the world and to get some action going.
As I sit in the quiet library of my part time gig, I reflect on how things have changed. There was a big renovation which resulted in a face lift for the building and now instead of being tucked away into a corner I am out in the middle of the action (as much action as a library can have). There have been the addition of male students, turning the once single sex college into a co-ed learning institution and the vibe has is a bit different. The Bee is now closer to age of the students and it makes me feel a little panicky thinking that I have not taught her all the things she needs to know. I also pause as I realize that in less than two very short years my baby is going to be away at college.
I have changed. I have come from a place of “working every Sunday ain’t so bad” to “Bah! I’ve got to work?”, complete with whine and hissy fit. The punches that I used to roll with are getting a little harder to duck and bounce back from; something that when I really think about, I find that it’s not cool.
Last year I made the decision to take control of my time and how I allowed myself to feel about work. I worked out, I adjusted my day and I found that working wasn’t bad when I made sure that Rachée had some time that she controlled instead of passively allowing the day to be had. But I got away from that and found that I wanted to have a lie in or made excuses about why I didn’t get up. There was always a something that took precedent and even though making time for me was a little work but worth it and so good, I found that NOT making time was easy and I went with easy.
As I chatted with a student tonight who was explaining WHY she thought she should get back with her jerk boyfriend because it was easier than being alone and hungry (her words) I realized that easy is a jerk boyfriend and that alone and hungry is hard but it’s not lonely and starving which is totally worse so jerk boyfriends can suck it. Easy aka jerk boyfriend, can’t be allowed to have so much power. Easy aka jerk boyfriend always looks so good but really, is it better for you?
My “easy” has been to not work at the lessons learned from the study I participated in, to skip working out regularly and to stuff crap in my body. As a result the weight has crept back on, storytime has seen the return of Darth Vader and those dresses I was rockin’… a big NO. Denial was a huge part of this but when I tried on my jeans and a bakery followed, I knew that it was time to get rid of easy. So…so long easy aka jerk boyfriend. Alone and hungry for me means sucking it up and going to bed at a decent hour so that I can get my run in before the day belongs to everyone else. It means running in the rain (what!), finding gloves to run in the cold, and not sneaking those snacks because calories that other people don’t see don’t count, right?
Nothing drastic or nonsensical; just parting ways with easy aka jerk boyfriend and saying hello to that Rachée who was alone and hungry for something more than OK.