Y’all know the drill…the last few weeks have found me busy, busy, busy! Despite school ending, work and The Bee have kept me running not knowing which way is up! Add in the holidays (grrr!) and I am hoping that time will stand still until I catch my breath.
I took a social media break yesterday. A friend visited me on Friday and remarked how perfect my life seemed. I giggled and told her that I only share Me at my best but what she said started me to thinking. When I post online I usually keep it rainbow and kittens because, really, who wants to hear me bitch about work (well someone may want to hear it but *I* would prefer to remain employed), The Bee has asked me to stop posting about her for a while and some other stuff that seems quite whiny, whiny, boo, boo when I actually sit and write it down.
Jana, who I swear has channeled Fadra’s ability to read my mind, came up with this prompt:
I can totally relate! I have found that I am in competition with people who may or may not be aware of what I am doing and instead of making me better, it has only served to frustrate me.
My co-worker and I were discussing our respective schedules and it seemed that the more she spoke about doing for her section, the more I added to my schedule for my section. The more *I* added the more she added until we both called uncle and started from scratch. Lately I have been finding that I am adding more and more to my plate, knowing that I have had enough but feeling the need to add more and more because, well because I think I should. I admit I am a prideful chick. I joke about celebrities and how they start believing their own hype because I have found that I am believing *my* own hype. Have you ever had a roomful of kids go bat sh!t crazy when you walk in? Or kids waiting for you with adoring eyes? Have that happen a couple of times a week and soon it’s full on Muhammad Ali (I’m the greatest).
This should be enough but then I’ll hear a whisper of what such and such library is doing and all of a sudden I think I should be doing more, doing extra and wondering why no one likes me, when did I stop being so creative? (Y’all remember when I said I had issues right?)
In blogging I watch with a mixture of happiness and pride tinged with envy as friends and fellow bloggers announce their special plans. Instead of enjoying the campaigns, pushes, opportunities *I* myself have gotten, I head to wards that dark place in my head and wonder why that particular blogger is getting that particular post. Yes. I am a hater and it doesn’t feel good to admit it.
I joined a group on Facebook called Black Girls Run. I was all a gaga about getting out there and hitting the track. I had even cajoled The Bee into joining me but one day it rained. Then another day I had to work and then, and then, and then….You know five thirty AM is hella early and instead of doing anything I am left thinking how large I am. My friend has offered to go to the track with me but my jealous hearted self can only think about how better at she is and, God Help Me, I am feeling like Mary Jo from an episode of Designing Women.
I think this week I will give myself permission to think these things just once more (this post) and then move on to doing something positive with this energy. Go for a walk instead of worrying about a run. Post (the blog has been quiet!) instead of whining about the lack of opportunities. Having fun with my work instead of worrying. I think the only person I really need to compete with is myself and if I am not having fun, then why do it?
This was my Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five-ish minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…
- Set a timer and write for 5 minutes. (I totally took about five times 5 but whatevs)
- Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw. (See above)
- Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
- Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post. (Click the badge above to go to the site!)
- Link up your post on Jana’s site.
- Visit the other bloggers and show some love.