Please to note: Today’s blog may contain the notion that somewhere, someone, perhaps even your blogger, has sex.
Now then, there are five things I am not supposed to speak about in mixed company but I guess, as I read throughout my blog, I have already done so:
Notice that sex is left blank. I tried to keep my blog family (as in my family reads it and family includes MOM!!!) friendly and I feel that some things are best left to lurk in my head strictly for my own examination. I am not a prude but there are just some things that I am not comfortable thinking or speaking about beyond whispered to a close friend. However, the more I think of MOVING ON (cue music: omnious or Peer Gynt Suite) the more my thoughts spin. The PC thing would be for me to write that I am looking for a good man to have a wonderful relationship that would someday lead to another trip down the aisle. And that would be a lie at this moment in time. Personally (and quite selflessly I dare to add!) I think it would be cruel to jump into another relationship right now especially with my head all a whirl and me hating the idea of marriage. My head is a jumble of what ifs and what the effs and I am not just not capable of keeping a lid in all of the crazy. I am not opposed and could find myself saying yes to dinners that do not come numbered with pictures, nights in, snuggled on a couch with a bowl of ice cream and a scary movie (all the better to snuggle closer) and some adult swim conversations that don’t ultimately end with me fussing about The Bee and what she didn’t so.
When I spoke with a friend and discussed my new idea about dating, he compared me to a character from a Madea movie: he told me that I always whine about needing a good man yet when one comes along I push him away. Perhaps there is a tinge of truth in his words but I have to say the idea of dating, allowing myself to become intimate (not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well) and to open myself for anything that I cannot in
some all ways way control scares the ever loving crap out of me. Dating in this new millennium is a bitch! I have a kid to consider, left over feelings from my marriage (shh! don’t let anyone know that at times I do get emotional and girly!) and quite honestly I have gotten into a rut, albeit a sad, lonely, pathetic, isolated, Oh God please kill me, one, that is working just fine…sorta. In the merry land of sometime soon, I keep thinking that things will be OK and that I will get it together but as we all know, time waits for NO man or woman.
My brief history of men could be material for a sequel to He’s just not that into you or a Tyler Perry movie but that won’t deter me. I would be lying if I said that I have spent five years alone. But my last associations were a little less than ideal. (Let me preface this by saying that I am a sucker for a pretty face -guilty as charged!, have a horrible sense of judgement at times and, in case you have never read this blog, have issues.)
So, the male company have included:
-The old boyfriend that I reconnected with after bumping into him while out with our respective kids. Nice guy but damn! Both parties can’t have that much baggage! We obviously broke up for a reason in the past and have thus decided it’s best to JUST be friends.
-Someone I met at work. An older guy who wanted me to meet his parents (no big) and become friends with his daughter (um, ‘kay). Dude and I would chat, chat, chat for hours about school, plans we had for our respective futures in the field of education, talk books and make plans. However he would always ‘forget’ that we were supposed to go out yet would call and yell at me when we hadn’t made plans.
-Another older guy who thus inspired my “let’s not date patrons” rule. He thought that I should not let The Bee go back and forth to her dad’s because it was a lot of money for gas (like he was paying for it!) and she would get confused, was known to just show up at work to say hi and he always wanted to do some type of family get together with The Bee and I although his relationship with his kids was totally effed up. He was also hot to get married and I was not quite on the same track.
-There was the young guy who at 23 (I’m a cougar!) thought I should be delighted that he called at 1:30 AM every night. Cause he used to call at 2:15.
Dating is a bitch!
Despite these, erm, experiences I have decided that I am going to throw myself out there. I’ve cleared a space on my floor that is dedicated to the art of crunches and yoga type stuff to center my mind, I’ve hit the gym cause I pay for my membership and it’s too cold to be messing about on the tracks and I’ve called the cousin for torture, aka eyebrow waxing. All because I’m single and I’ve got to look good naked.
Re-learning the art of small talk* and not wanting to HAVE to wear Spanx,