Heat

While sitting at my desk messing about planning for the next week, I was privy to a heated curse filled exchange between two drivers on the street outside my window. As I made eye contact with a patron (a horrified looking mom who had been playing and reading books with her two young children but stopped once the chorus of ‘eff yous’ reached its crescendo) I remembered how a few short years ago that would have been me screaming and cussing, with total disregard to The Bee riding along in the back seat or the danger that I could possibly be in. Eventually after a few more “eff yous” and questions about each driver’s mother’s heritage both cars went on their way, leaving me to shake my head and be thankful for growing as a person.

During a totally dark period in my life I was a piece of work. Jumping to conclusions, angry, ready to go toe to toe over something that, in retrospect, was so not worth the time or effort. As I recall some of my shenanigans I am honestly ashamed of my behavior. Screaming obscenities as I drove, arguing with total strangers over minutiae, carrying that crap back home. Wow! It’s exhausting to think of it! And scary. I think of all of the dangerous situations that I had put myself in: yelling at drivers, jumping out of my car to tell someone where to go and how to get there, even aggressively “standing my ground” over some slight, real or (mostly) imagined. Even after a really bad time (redacted cause I’m still not quite ready to share) I would carry on, performing as if I were on stage and …for what? Who needed me to yell and tell them that they were a pain in the ass or dumb ass or some other type of ass? There were several events that would have made smarter women calm down but I was not to be silenced. I am not exactly sure what made me to mentally and literally take a deep breath to relax enough to stop sweating the small things but I can say that it has been a relief not being angry, not having to keep track of stores that I cannot visit due to Rachée behaving badly – again, and a wonderful, wonderful thing to not have The Bee look at me fearfully after I have yelled and screamed along the streets at someone who did some inconsequential thing to me.

I like to think that I am different Rachée. I still get angry but how I CHOOSE to handle it is differently. I can still get my point across without entertaining onlookers and I don’t have to be a stereotype (You know the one, Black woman snapping her head, hands on hip and screaming. That was me!).

With the warmer weather on track, I suspect that there may be more arguing between bad drivers, people upset about slow pedestrians and all in between. It pleases me to know that I can choose to be a part of the nonsense or that I can keep a total relaxed attitude and move onto the next positive thing.

NOT being a topic at your dinner table,
-r