The negative thoughts have returned.
Some are uglier than others but they all have the same result: to make me feel bad for existing. The usuals are all there: I’m fat, I’m lazy, I’m chubby. These have been joined by a fresh set of insults: I’m dumb, I’m not good enough, THEY won’t like me. At first I ignored the thoughts; I’m Rachee and I rock! Sure I haven’t worked out in a while but I WORE that green dress last week and work has been better than ever; lots of new families visiting the library AND using the materials *I* have made available but, it starts again. First it’s a joke I make at my expense about the way I look. Then an excuse and a self-deprecating remark for why something I suggested didn’t/won’t/hasn’t worked out like I should. Suddenly, despite telling myself that I am larger than life, I begin to feel little and small and unimportant and bad.
There is a part of me which knows that there is a way to control my thoughts. I do feel better when I exercise. It’s not just aesthetics; I like the high I get from running and the feeling of accomplishment. But lately it’s been easier to make excuses, to insult myself and to try to hide. I know things are tight, that my breathing is heavier and that I mindlessly nibble but I compensate by telling myself the good days (while few and far between) are still good days. In order to make any kind of change I need to embrace the me that I am. Bumps, lumps, curves and all but then I hear it again. The voice telling me that it’s too late. That I have no control. That they’re all going to laugh at me (yes, my voice channels Carrie White’s mother).
This weekend I stayed home nursing a cold (major stink and side eye towards my co-worker who came to work sick but insisted her disclaimer of “everyone stay away” was good enough) and I had an opportunity to watch the movie Disfigured. This is a movie about friendship between Lydia, an overweight woman and Darcy, a recovering anorexic. At first it seems that they have nothing in common but later go on to learn that they have more similarities despite their physical differences. I totally recommend this movie to anyone who struggles with their weight, to anyone who thinks that they “know”someone and to people just looking for something out of the norm.
This movie, while a little preachy, really resonated with me. I got it; it’s all about real women. Lydia is not a size 2 (or 12) but a large woman who wants to make some changes but is just unsure about how that is going to look for her. When she approaches her Fat Acceptance Group they don’t support her thinking; they attack her ideas and accuse her of trying to change her body in a negative way instead of realizing that Lydia is looking for a new approach to accepting herself.
Lydia’s friendship with Darcy starts off rocky; both women are lonely but Lydia worries that Darcy is up to something when she offers to help. Darcy, ever the pleaser, is instrumental in helping Lydia’s group gain momentum. This causes an uneasy friendship to form. The two become closer when Lydia confesses that one of the men from the group, Bob, proposes they be friends with benefits. This arrangement goes awry and Lydia thinks the answer to her problem will be to become thin and convinces Darcy to give her anorexia lessons.
This movie neither glamorize nor demonize eating disorders. It presents them in a way that showed me that there is no easy fit, that everybody’s got their problems and that it’s hard for everyone. The movie was tough to watch. There were no easy answers, no one was demonized or made to be the villain. The movie simply laid out this message: women have complicated relationships with their bodies and there is no right or wrong way to deal with it.
I’m still figuring it out. It’s easy to let the voice win but then I have to examine why it’s loud. Am I feeling insecure about something? Unprepared? How can I help myself? It has been a slow process. I remind myself that no one cares about my breathing, that people are not judging me for not knowing every book in the collection and that no one cares if I add extra honey to my tea. I would maim someone who would dare utter words like this to The Bee and cannot understand why I am fine telling these things to myself.
I don’t have an answer but addressing it should help. It may not be an immediate solution but it beats the nasty names.
Practicing loving myself,
-r
This post is a part of Shell Things Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays
The rules:
Write a post from the heart.
Something that has been weighing on you.
Something you feel passionately about.
Something you’ve been wanting to talk about.
A cause, a memory, a belief, a world view.
Anything.
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- Weekend Update - October 26, 2020
This sounds like a great show. I don't have much time to watch TV but Ill see if I can find this one on Netflix or Amazon prime!
This sounds like a good show. I don’t have time to watch much TV, but I’ll see if I can find this on Netflix or Amazon Prime and check it out 🙂
I really wish people would stop thinking that there is a perfect body type or personality-we are all who we are and deserving of love and respect. I am glad to hear someone is out depicting this.
You know, there is no such thing as perfect and I wish more people truly believed that. I have never heard of this movie, but now I want to see it.
I have never heard of this movie, but it sounds like a good one to watch. You should not be so hard on yourself. I am one that used to go into work sick, I was a single mom and needed my time for my son, if I took too much my boss would make it miserable for me. I am sorry your co-worker shared their germs, but maybe there is an underlying reason that they did not stay home.
Hate when people bring their nasty germs around me.
Rachee, I love your name. And you need to stop thinking of yourself in the negative. I have seen the comments you have left on my blog and others as well. You are a beautiful, caring person. Believe me…. You Do ROCK!!
I rather focus on happiness and less on "perfect-ness"! Sounds like a good show to watch for the sheer reminder of okay with not "perfectness"
There is no such thing as a perfect woman for sure. Real beauty comes from within!
I’d rather be happy than perfect! We are always our own worst critics.
I hope you are feeling better! I feel like I’m trying to fight off a cold right now 🙁
Sounds like a really thought-provoking movie.
I agree with Stacey- we’re all our own worst critics.
I would like to see this movie. It is all about accepting yourself. If you don't accept yourself, no one else is going to. Many people struggle with that, I know.
Sounds like a great movie! I know it is hard being overweight in this world. Especially the online world. Everyone feels they have a right to make others feel bad. It’s horrible
never heard of this, sounds like something I’d like.
I love books and movies that leave you thinking long after they are over. This sounds like one of them! It sounds like it has a great message too, even if it is a little preachy at times. I will have to rent this one soon.
Im glad that this movie brings things out in the ope, eating disorders are often not treated as seriously as they should be
When we began our weight loss excursion, I learned a valuable lesson in finding NSVs. “Non-scale victories” I had to start taking pride in the little accomplishments like “I snacked on vegetables today.” or “I parked further from the door at the store.” Silly as it seems, those little acknowledgements make a huge difference. Stay positive!
I think that it’s something we all struggle with at times but it isn’t easy.
I am eager to see this movie and let my teenage daughter see it. I think it sounds like a great message everyone should hear more. No one is perfect, no one.
Sounds like a great movie for everyone to see. There is no such thing as perfect & no one should strive to be anything other than themselves.
I think that we all succumb to these feelings every once in a while. This is especially true when life happens and we are feeling overwhelmed or under appreciated. The important part is not falling into a rut and letting the positivity creep in.
We seem to have decided there is a perfect body – that anyone who doesn't fit it is wrong. Which is awful.
I have the worst attitude when it comes to myself – my voice are very naughty with the things they say x
This is how I feel sometimes.
I am going to be watching this movie. I have so many issues on how to identify with myself (as a “bigger girl”) while I am losing weight. You say its tough to watch.. but it might be what I need.
No one is perfect and I am facing this myself! I am trying to lose weight and its hard when you think everyone is perfect but yourself! But I got this! So far I am 5 1/2 pounds gone!
sounds like an interesting movie. i do like what you wrote here and how open you were. i just joined an online diet bet.
Perfect women…??? I don't think anyone is perfect; beauty is in the beholders eyes… thanks for sharing
As someone that has been anorexic (size 0 and 94 pounds) and morbidly obese (size 24 and 288 pounds) I understand how confusing body image is. You allow it to rule you, like you are only as good as others think you look. I had gastric bypass surgery in 2004 and lost over 160 pounds, but over the last few years I have had 20+ pounds creep back on and catch myself do the same inner dialogue that I used to have.
No one is perfect that is for sure. Everyone finds something about themselves they wish they could change. The movie sounds interesting. I never heard of it before.
This is definitely a problem that many women face today. I am 54 and still have body image issues! I’ll have to check out this movie! Thanks for stopping by Living and Learning With Our New Normal!
Inner dialogue is some of the hardest and most damaging things to change. I think that has so much to do with weight issues, whether it is obesity or anorexia. Keep working at it, I think that is so important. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.