This weekend I had my first table at a flea market and guess what? The world did not implode because I did not have multiple items for sale nor did people sneer at me because I was doing something new and different and wasn’t a professional crafter.
I have been avoiding doing any kind of selling of my yaRRnthings because I was afraid that
- I would suck at it (I didn’t and don’t!)
- That I wouldn’t have enough to sell (I didn’t but the turn out was so horrible that it went well anyways and, score, I sold THREE things! No one took me up on arm knitting but I did manage a sweet scarf so winning!)
- That I would actually be -gasp- good at it and people would expect more from me. (I am, they do and the world still did not implode)
My normal MO…get an idea, worry about idea, don’t do anything with idea (the word “idea” can also be opportunity, event, or any other thing that is a change from the norm) but this feeling of just doing and not worrying myself out of fun…AWESOME!
I mean, I AM still afraid that I won’t/can’t be able to do the thing someone asks me for but more and more I am following the idea that I am feeling like it’s something manageable and doable and that I want more than being worried and afraid.
This new found heart has come from some changes in my life. My work partner announced that she is getting a new job and while I am deliriously excited for her, a part of me is a tad green with envy. I love my job, my kids, the space that I have built, but lately have been feeling a bit stuck. It feels like it is time for me to go on to the next thing (that thing I am not sure of) but to move on I need to finish my degree. To finish my degree I need to go back to school and that thought exhausts me more than singing “The More We Get Together” One. More. Time. Going back to school means papers and tests and studying and I rather like the idea of coming home and being in for the night, chilling with a good book, a pile of yarn some trash TV and listening to The Bee chatter about her day.
Back to school is a change and a necessary one that I know I need but it feels like here I go again, talking that old stuff about class and school and paying money for classes that I am smart enough to pass but not strong enough to do. It’s like I get right to the end, I can see the end in sight and I just fumble. But that stuck feeling is a bitch, a feeling that I don’t ever want to feel again and that is enough to motivate me, to move me, to get me going. To fill out the paperwork, and not “forget” to do it.
It will be a bittersweet week as I say goodbye to a friend, make way for changes and just try to manage what the unknown will bring. I admit to being a bit of a grump and it is something that I have worked out and come to terms with. I joke that with my degree I won’t feel like I have to overcompensate and can slack off but the opposite is the truth. Those letters behind my name and that piece of paper will validate all of the awesome that I want to share but feel unqualified to do. It will inspire my teen who, for the first time in years, feels like she is smart and will be able to be known for her grades in a positive way. It will make me feel so much more confident and proud and just confirm that I am good enough, smart enough and it’s not a fluke.
The paperwork has been sent, the forms mailed and it’s time to once again be the “non-traditional” student. When it gets to be too much and I am feeling the pinch and even knowing that stuck feeling is not enough to make me crack the books I can always comfort myself with the knowledge that there is always binge watching at the end of the season and Netflix.
I am linking up with Motivation Monday, a carnival hosted by Barb, Mitzi, Lauryn, Katie, and Marie.
Want to read more stories of motivation to start your week out? Click this link.