#PYHO: Sometimes Black Girls Get the Blues

Featured, Say it Rah-shay By Jun 25, 2013 13 Comments

The last few weeks found me in a place I thought was behind me. Days felt extra long, each task felt like I was completing it while under water and stuck in muck. It would take everything to get “it” together, often taking hours for me to leave the house. I was battling a bought of depression that left me physically and emotionally drained.

Corridor Sky

Depression is such a curious disorder. Before I was diagnosed I really thought all depressed people were just sad and that the sad they experienced was conditional. Since my diagnosis I realize that depression is almost physical in the way it takes over your body and mind and life. Sure, I got up and made it to work or was able to get dressed but leaving the house was a task with me dawdling for hours before I could actually turn the handle of the door to leave. I would get through the day feeling drained and on edge and crawl home at night exhausted as I tried to unwind from my day.

As a mom, as a person with stuff to do, I kept telling myself to snap out of it. My life is great; I’ve got a surly but lovely daughter, a supportive close family, an awesome boyfriend. Sure work is entering into the stressful stage but I do love my job and in the grand scheme of things all is great but…the self doubt would creep in. The fear of not being good enough, not being a good person, not being began to dominate my thoughts and I would find myself lashing out at family and friends. I would find myself weepy and ready to cry and doing anything was a total chore.

It was almost ten years ago that I was diagnosed with major depression and even then I thought that for sure the doctor was talking about some other person. *I* am a Fagg woman and we don’t get depressed. We push through those bad times and keep it moving but I found that was unable to keep it moving. I would start a task and find myself unable to complete it. I was going through a separation from The Bee’s dad and would tell myself that of course I was feeling sad but it was so much more than that. I just could not get myself to feel, to care to do. I would get so angry at myself. Surely I was not the first person to experience a life changing event and the event, separation and (later) a divorce was nothing to whine about but who did I think I was to be so dang sad about it?

Then came the time when I just couldn’t fake it anymore. I was so down, so low that I would call off from work, when I remembered that I was supposed to work, and not get out of bed. I couldn’t sleep and when I finally was able to rest I was so drowsy that I could barely function when it was time for me to be awake. I couldn’t eat and within weeks had lot twenty pounds. Outside I was looking better than I had in a while but inside I was a mess. I was neglecting the things I cared about, ignoring my daughter and all I wanted to do was just not think.

Through a fantastic therapist I was able to discuss some of the things that were bothering me but it felt indulgent and fancy that I should dare see someone to whine about these problems. Who doesn’t feel sad at times? Yes, my sad lasted for weeks but I still laughed and felt good about things even if the good was short lived.

One night the sad felt so bad that I didn’t care what happened next and my family sought the help I so desperately needed. It took months of therapy, of medication, of changes to get back to normal and I thought I would never feel so low. But the last few weeks found me weepy and worried, tired and sad and just feeling like nothing would ever be good again. Instead of putting on a brave face I reached out to friends and family and got through the feelings.

It was scary and I was able to get to a place that was not so dark or bleak but it reminded me that so often people may not ask for the help they need.

Get help. Reach out. No one will judge you for feeling the way you do and if they do, so what. You are what’s important and it gets better. It really does.
This post is a part of Shell Things Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays
The rules:

Write a post from the heart.

Something that has been weighing on you.

Something you feel passionately about.

Something you’ve been wanting to talk about.

A cause, a memory, a belief, a world view.



I am mom, daughter, sister, yarn lover, word lover, crazy cat lady and library chick. Find me with book or with hook and a hot cuppa.


  1. Chasing Joy says:

    I’m happy I came to visit you today. Thank you for this post. I see a therapyst regularly. I have never been diagnosed with anything but I think the code on recipts is anxiety. I started going when my thoughts after losing my dad and a break up were too dark and scary for my liking. Now I am much better but it is scary to think about how easily one can slip back into that dark place.

    I’m happy for you that you had friends and family that you felt comfortable with to reach out to and that you are feeling better now.

    I appreciate your openness. I think it is so important that everyone know that depression/ anxiety/ mental illness/ etc are issues that are color blind. We all face them and should feel comfortable getting the help we need.

    1. Rachee says:

      This has been a post LONG in the making! I’m glad I finally decided to share. I hope people who are reluctant to seek help will be able to find ways to get what they need.

  2. Kelly Moran says:

    First of all big (((hugs))) to you not only for sharing this but for being you. You are such a wonderful lady, beautiful, smart, funny, an awesome Mom, an awesome friend. I can go on and on.
    I can understand every word that you have written above because I, too, have lived through the deep dark side of depression. It took me many, many, many years to open up about it. I felt ashamed, scared. I did not want anyone to know that I was battling a demon that overpowered me like nothing else in my life. For a long time I was not able to accept that I had depression – and because of that I struggled _ ALONE. When I finally hit rock bottom, I ended up in therapy, on medication and able to finally accept that I live with this chronic illness that I have very little control over. I have found now that most of my family and friends know what I have struggled with time and time again in my life, I no longer need to feel alone. Opening up about my depression has actually helped me keep it under control in a way that I have never been able to do. I hope that by writing this piece you too are finding that same comfort and security in knowing you are never alone.
    All I can say is that I am so, so very happy that you not only are feeling better, but that you were brave enough to reach out for help and accept it. Always remember there are others out there who love you and can always help.
    I am always a phone call away if you ever need to talk.
    I hope that this piece helps others out there who feel like no one else understands to realize that they are not alone – and with treatment and support, we can be the stronger one. We can get through anything.
    (((BIG HUGS)))

  3. What a great share. I thunk a lot of people wil identify with your story. Others will be encouraged to get help. Great job.

    1. Rachee says:

      Thank you Janeane.
      I was nervous about being so open but hope that others will be able to relate and then get the help that they need.

  4. struggling says:

    I am sorry you had to go thru this… but it is good you are sharing I am sure your story will help others.

    1. Rachee says:

      Thank you for reading.
      I was reluctant to share but since I have I am happy if someone doesn’t feel so alone.

  5. Arnebya says:

    Oh, the snap out of it. How we will ourselves, beg ourselves to just turn a switch and make it stop. If only. Fear of judgment is stifling.

    (whoo lawd I had to count on my damn fingers to prove my humanness below. Twice. You’d think I’d have realized x not +. Fuck math.)

  6. Brandi says:

    The hardest thing for me has been finding the words to explain it to folks who are close to me who don’t understand why I am so “sad”. Thank you for providing an explanation that I think might help me “reach out” to the people that love me, but don’t know how to help. And hugs to you, Rachee. <3

  7. Shell says:

    I’m so glad you had people to help you.

    Depression is so much more than just feeling sad. Not something you can just snap yourself out of. Hang in there. xo

  8. The more people who are open about mental struggles, the better. Thank you for sharing this. I know there are cultural differences in what people “talk about”, so I think what you’ve shared is really valuable. Good luck to you, and feel better.

Your turn! Tell it to Rah-shay!