The last few weeks found me in a place I thought was behind me. Days felt extra long, each task felt like I was completing it while under water and stuck in muck. It would take everything to get “it” together, often taking hours for me to leave the house. I was battling a bought of depression that left me physically and emotionally drained.
Depression is such a curious disorder. Before I was diagnosed I really thought all depressed people were just sad and that the sad they experienced was conditional. Since my diagnosis I realize that depression is almost physical in the way it takes over your body and mind and life. Sure, I got up and made it to work or was able to get dressed but leaving the house was a task with me dawdling for hours before I could actually turn the handle of the door to leave. I would get through the day feeling drained and on edge and crawl home at night exhausted as I tried to unwind from my day.
As a mom, as a person with stuff to do, I kept telling myself to snap out of it. My life is great; I’ve got a surly but lovely daughter, a supportive close family, an awesome boyfriend. Sure work is entering into the stressful stage but I do love my job and in the grand scheme of things all is great but…the self doubt would creep in. The fear of not being good enough, not being a good person, not being began to dominate my thoughts and I would find myself lashing out at family and friends. I would find myself weepy and ready to cry and doing anything was a total chore.
It was almost ten years ago that I was diagnosed with major depression and even then I thought that for sure the doctor was talking about some other person. *I* am a Fagg woman and we don’t get depressed. We push through those bad times and keep it moving but I found that was unable to keep it moving. I would start a task and find myself unable to complete it. I was going through a separation from The Bee’s dad and would tell myself that of course I was feeling sad but it was so much more than that. I just could not get myself to feel, to care to do. I would get so angry at myself. Surely I was not the first person to experience a life changing event and the event, separation and (later) a divorce was nothing to whine about but who did I think I was to be so dang sad about it?
Then came the time when I just couldn’t fake it anymore. I was so down, so low that I would call off from work, when I remembered that I was supposed to work, and not get out of bed. I couldn’t sleep and when I finally was able to rest I was so drowsy that I could barely function when it was time for me to be awake. I couldn’t eat and within weeks had lot twenty pounds. Outside I was looking better than I had in a while but inside I was a mess. I was neglecting the things I cared about, ignoring my daughter and all I wanted to do was just not think.
Through a fantastic therapist I was able to discuss some of the things that were bothering me but it felt indulgent and fancy that I should dare see someone to whine about these problems. Who doesn’t feel sad at times? Yes, my sad lasted for weeks but I still laughed and felt good about things even if the good was short lived.
One night the sad felt so bad that I didn’t care what happened next and my family sought the help I so desperately needed. It took months of therapy, of medication, of changes to get back to normal and I thought I would never feel so low. But the last few weeks found me weepy and worried, tired and sad and just feeling like nothing would ever be good again. Instead of putting on a brave face I reached out to friends and family and got through the feelings.
It was scary and I was able to get to a place that was not so dark or bleak but it reminded me that so often people may not ask for the help they need.
Get help. Reach out. No one will judge you for feeling the way you do and if they do, so what. You are what’s important and it gets better. It really does.
This post is a part of Shell Things Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays
Write a post from the heart.
Something that has been weighing on you.
Something you feel passionately about.
Something you’ve been wanting to talk about.
A cause, a memory, a belief, a world view.