There are a set of twins that participate in a few of my library programs. These sisters do look an awful lot alike and yet have their own personalities. Inevitably there will be someone who will observe the two of them and remark that one sister is the “quiet twin.” I cringe whenever I hear this; as a twin my identity has been so tied up in being a twin that any type of difference is immediately pounced upon. Whatever difference noted is immediately a label that sticks for life.
I know this for I was The Quiet One. As an adult there are still days when I am called “The quiet one”, “the shy one”, “the more subdued one” and I hate it. Years of working hard at being just Rachee is wiped away in a single moment when someone who knows my sister and I will study me and say remark, “Oh! You’re the quiet one”
Now I know that there is nothing wrong with being the quiet one but as a kid being the quiet one was almost like being called a slur; I thought there was something wrong with me. I tried to be bubbly, loudly talking and trying to be what I thought was the idea of the “fun one” but all I felt was exhausted and fake. I thought that there was something wrong with being subdued so I would try, try, try to make those awkward feelings go away. I just straddled that awkward role of quiet but wanting bubbly and thought that was that. I figured I would fake it and it worked. Sorta. I was lucky enough to find ways where I could be reserved, quiet, under the radar and it worked. Sorta.
Then I came face to face with the job as library chick. When I interviewed, mentally I was in such a state that I needed something that was not my norm. A library was my savior during the break up of my marriage and being hired felt like some sort of cosmic acknowledgement that it was time to work towards getting over that negative time. It also helped that when I was hired I wasn’t someone’s sister, someone’s mom, someone’s daughter. This was my own thing and I loved it. When the children’s position opened up, I gladly took it thinking that I could share the love of books with the little ones that graced the library. I never thought that this would be a job where daily I interacted with people, was expected to be personable and…
…fast forward to sleepless nights, grouchiness and days of bad moods. Heart thumping, hands sweating, throat dry. The urges to run and hide, call out sick, or just quit. Nights before a big thing at work find me cleaning the house or stuffing my face. I would often joke, yet seriously wonder, how in the world I accepted a job where I have to, gulp, interact with people and at times be the point person. I am comfortable in my role as library chick. I enjoy books. I enjoy talking about books. I enjoy sharing a new thing I’ve found but I get sweaty palms thinking about the actual conversation I may have to have with actual people.
I tried all of the tricks of the trade. Imagine them naked. Do a Susanna Hoffs and focus on three people. Pretend the thing I was oh so worried about was over. Some days I would succeed, feeling victorious. Some days I would nervously stammer as I tried to introduce people, read a book, talk. And then I thought, “Rachee…you know your stuff. Stop it. The people who you interact with enjoy you and well, you should too.” Some days it works. I am the life of the party, laughing, excited happy. There are the days that I crave the sounds and frenzy of other people. Some days I can’t wait to head home, snuggle with a book and watch trashy TV.
Some days, it’s OK to be the quiet one.
r’s note:Are you an introvert or extrovert?.Author Susan Cain explores how introverts can be powerful in a world where being an extrovert is highly valued. Join From Left to Write on January 19 as we discuss Quiet: The Power of Introverts by Susan Cain. We’ll also be chatting live with Susan Cain at 9PM Eastern on January 26. As a member of From Left to Write, I received a copy of the book. All opinions are my own.
As someone who has two speeds myself- offensively sarcastic and wall flower, I can relate. I let my job define me- I was teacher chick and when I lost it I was destroyed. I am trying to reinvent, but am terrified to get a new job to have to find a new way to interact. Any chance I can spend my down days hiding in the Beverly cleary section with the ramona books? 😉
A trick that’s worked for me sometimes is to remind myself that everyone in the room wants me to succeed. They are on my side. An audience wants the speaker to do well, a patron at a reference desk wants the librarian to succeed at understanding the question (even if it’s not the one that was asked), even friends want me to have a good time with them so that they have a good time, too.
I didn’t know you were a twin. I hear ya – even as just a sister, people want to find a quick and easy way to give you a label so they can identify you. If it’s any consolation, I would NEVER think of you as the quiet one. I actually thought you were joking at first!
Interesting post! I have always been labeled the quiet one, as well-in my group of friends. I tried so hard to be bubbly! But as I get older, I am not minding it as much. I’m a teacher-and I can be super bubbly in front of my kiddos-but put me in front of the parents for Open House, etc-I get so nervous!
Well, golly, I only know you through my sister and FB. Your writing isn’t quiet 🙂 I know what you mean as I used to be a “quiet one,” and I’m not comfy in every situation–a dud at coctail parties and dances. But after teaching, I’m able to face groups and speak to them without too much trouble. Focusing on making your topic your own seems to help as your enthusiasm will catch on.