Something’s coming, don’t know when, but it’s soon…*
Something IS coming. It’s not the hopeful, positive something that Tony sang about after Riff invited him to the dance at the gym (said dance ultimately led to Tony’s death but I digress). No, it’s a something that feels negative, dark, wrong. It’s lurking in the background. It’s not physical but it’s such an intense over powering strong presence that it may as well be. It’s not alive although I can feel the beat and strength of a growing pulse. It’s not real but it is. It’s coming and I need to know if I can stop IT.
IT is the self doubt that paralyzes me. The self doubt that mentally slaps me and leaves me just barely hanging on. For a while I had managed to escape these negative thoughts. So what if the life plan that I had created at 6, 14, 18, 21 and again at 27 have not come into fruition. My life has been great and that’s all that counts right?
Sadly, I am all about screaming WRONG! WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, wrong, WRONG! I try to faking it, I try pretending that all is well, I tried the whole Pollyanna routine. No go. I have been feeling kinda sorta stuck and today I am stuck on stupid.
R’s note:
The pity party that I am about to indulge in is strictly for the strong; it is the ultimate in feeling sorry and feeling bad.
I can’t shake the feeling that there has to be more. Not a more as in a more materialistic something, but a deeper meaning to life. I go through my day to day as if I am on auto pilot. Get up, rush, rush, rush to get to work, rush, rush, rush to get home, rush, rush, rush to get to bed. Sleep. Repeat times life. My routine varies a bit when The Bee is with me. I then have to rush, rush, rush to get her to school, scouts, or whatever other activity she is supposed to attend all the while I make myself hurry up and wait for…
Well that is the question for sure. Hurry up and wait for what? So far, I have not allowed myself to answer this question let alone consider it. I understand that the Life Fairy is not going to suddenly appear and drop out of the sky to make things all better for me. I also understand that I need to be more proactive about my life but I procrastinate. It’s always been about when I get in shape, when I have my degree, when I get my own.
Sigh!
I don’t want to leave my comfort zone but I know that comfort is equal to complacent. I need to get away from the lackadaisical attitude that has me just being and do more. So, I am a work in progress.
To be continued…
-r
*From West Side Story
Well it seems that a lot of people I know are asking themselves this question lately. So my suggestion to you as it was to them is make sure you do at least one thing every three months that you really want to do. Otherwise we keep putting off everything until tomorrow and tomorrow may never get here. So make tomorrow today! One thing every three months. It’s pushing…it’s not unreasonable. Think about it. And let me know how you make out!
Yo
I read your post and see that you are taking some time for yourself. I am so taking this advice and just doing.
-r