Or a rambling type of way in which I admit some flaws.
Last week, in one of the blogging groups that I am a member of a discussion was generated about a program in which scores of bloggers applied for and, of the select few picked, only one candidate selected was a person of color. That did not bother me as much; the company is free to pick whomever they wish and honestly other than myself I wasn’t aware of any other Women of Color/ People of Color who applied. What got me throwing a bit on a slow burning hissy was the direction in which the conversation veered.
You see I admitted that at times I am social media flake and someone called me on it. Indirectly and she didn’t name names, but I just knew she was speaking to me and I got my butt on my back because I felt as if she pulled out a giant flashlight and a book and read me regarding every excuse that I had typed. Her words were true and golly knows that the truth hurts. I wanted to remain all pissed and bitter until I realized that the person showing me the ugly truth was only being honest and that the only person that I should be angry with was myself.
When I first started blogging I will not lie; I wanted to get the good stuff. The freebies that everyone and their mother seemed to be getting. I wanted the trips, the swag, the books, the stuff (I like stuff, remember?) and I was all like, “Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!” Each time I saw a call for something, each time a call for bloggers went out, I was your girl. Having some type of event? I was trying to wiggle my way on the list and oh dear Barbara ..let someone ask for help with a book promo, a blog tour, a whatever and I was there. I wanted what others had yesterday and I was fixing to get it.
Blogging friends would always caution that said good things came after lots of work and waiting but that seemed to be a contradiction They would SAY these things but also wax excitedly about the way they were getting paid to write. What about me?
When the time came to actually get what I was waiting for, the sponsored posts, the review items, the swag and stuff that I wanted oh so badly, I would turn into a flake. In the beginning I was a dutiful blogger: quickly churning out my assigned posts because, well I had a deadline! Then work, the kid, life would get into the way and I would fall behind. I would catch up promising myself that I would never ever take on more than I could handle but then I was at again…trying to be Jack of all trades, mastering none. There were times when I was late turning in assignments due to procrastination, which at times would be so bad that I would want to slap myself silly. There were times when I would forget that I had something scheduled to do and then there were times when I was so overwhelmed that I just ran away pretending that I didn’t know what the deal was.
And I wondered why people didn’t want to work with me.
So for this time at the dance I have been keeping it real. No more saying yes because everybody else is doing it. No more biting more than I can chew. No more NOT asking for help even if I don’t know what that help is. No more running away. As I type I get a little scared. I am so used to ducking and dodging that I feel scared to ease out of what feels like my normal. So instead of hiding and running I own it. Put on my big girl pants, take a deep breath and make that little that I have to work with bigger, greater, the best and then reach for the next things when they come. I won’t peek at what she’s having and question where is mine. I will do the work, put the time in and learn as I grow in a way that will work best for everyone involved. Including me.
When I took the time to evaluate what I want the Rachee I am to really be I realized some things. While it changes daily there are a couple of words that come up often: honest and responsible. I want to be honest, with myself, with you and be the person that I don’t want to be a flake, unless it’s because I’m so danged quirky (I’m here all week!). Responsible, because that is what adults do.
So here is my confession: I am a flake at times but I am responsible enough to be honest about it to you and to myself. It hurts to admit it, hurts to acknowledge and sucks to be the one getting side eye but I own it and it is up to me to change it.
Step one down…I admitted it.
Now to get going.
This post is a part of Shell Things Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays
Here are the Rules:
Write a post from the heart.
Something that has been weighing on you.
Something you feel passionately about.
Something you’ve been wanting to talk about.
A cause, a memory, a belief, a world view.