If there is one thing that I wish I could change about motherhood it would be the Mommy Guilt. Mommy Guilt is that feeling of helplessness that takes over your whole being as you wonder if you are doing the right thing for your child. It’s a feeling that sneaks up and cruelly causes you to doubt that every decision that you have ever made on behalf of your child. It makes you feel that not only was your determined act wrong, but because of it, your poor child is damaged for life.
Mommy Guilt is a bitch!
Most days I feel like being a mother rocks, its awesome and better than anything else but poof! Some slight something will occur and based on some rubric that keeps changing, I come crashing down from that high I was feeling and everything is awful.
When the ex and I first parted ways, MG was as common as breathing. Shuffling The Bee back and forth was made more difficult by The Bee asking why I didn’t like her dad anymore and why we had to be a broken family. There were times when the ex and I were always put in sitcom-esque situations by The Bee who thought all would be resolved through a series of shenanigans and zaniness.
Since, I have learned to live with MG, much as I do the air I breath: It’s performed on a subconscious level.
Last night I heard a small pitiful mommmmmy! And the delicate balance of feeling good about being a mom vanished. As all moms know, there are many ways the word “Mommy” can be uttered.
There is the “MAH–Meee!” used to convey injured feelings.
The “MOHM–MEE“ when I am not paying enough attention.
The “Mooooooomeeeeee” when I am downstairs and needed upstairs.
The Moo-ohm-mee when I do something to embarrass her
The MOMMY! when I am standing off to the side trying to watch her
However there is no “mommy” that can compare with the middle of night soft spoken mommy.
Last night The Bee woke me up in the middle of the night complaining of a headache. She coughed, poked me and said, my head hurts.
As I stumbled around wondering where the children’s Tylenol was she began to cough, yawn and groan.
Mommy Guilt kicked in full effect!
Did I give her her meds? I remember gathering them but did I actually administer them?
I should have not let her visit my sister! My sister’s cats love messing with The Bee because she is kind of scared of them.
Did I get refills of everything? Health care costs in America are the PITS!
Did she eat dinner? She’s such a picky eater on top of a limited diet that sometimes its hard to find what she likes when we are out. And we did stay out pretty darn late.
Has hse been drinking enough water? She did drink all of that Root Beer but did she have any other liquids?
As I asked her questions to see what exactly was hurting, I realized that she was not faking and that she was not feeling well. In the past I would have hastily called her pediatrician (who I am convinced thought I had Munchausen by Proxy for thefirst years of The Bee’s life but I digress…) Instead I made a trip to CVS in the middle of the night for children’s pain reliever. (If you need computer help, the dudes working last night seemed to have all of the answers).
She took her dose, told me that she was not going to rollar skate and fell back asleep
She’s better now; I’m better now and that MG has been out to rest for a while…
I hope….
(Don, don, don, donnnnnnn!!!)
-r
I tend to be a victim of MG at times myself. I’d like to think I’ve gotten better at handling it, but my daughter would say otherwise.
I tend to be a victim of MG at times myself. I’d like to think I’ve gotten better at handling it, but my daughter would say otherwise.
I tend to be a victim of MG at times myself. I’d like to think I’ve gotten better at handling it, but my daughter would say otherwise.