Mom

If Mommy Guilt is a bitch then Adult Grown-up Guilt is her cousin.

As I type, this has been day seven of my mom being hospitalized.
There. I said it. My mom is sick, I am scared and I don’t care who knows.

Not to make this all about me, but I swear I keep running ‘what ifs’ in my head.
What if I had not been so busy two weeks ago?
What is I were home more?
What if I were not so moody?
What if, what if, what if?

This has been the kind of week that has had me in a tizzy. The old Rachée would have given up, alternated between crying continuously like a small child and picking fights with everyone in sight followed by then would have eating herself into a carbohydrate coma. As it stands, it is a definite struggle not to hide away with a container of ice cream, a bag of chips and my weight in chocolate. Instead, I realize that I have a small daughter to raise and that I must keep my head up, be brave as well as pretend to be strong even when I feel like giving up.

I am not the most spiritual, religious person. In fact, I freely admit I am one to scoff at bible thumping, holy rolling, Jesus freaks but I have had more than one conversation with a higher power this week. At this moment I envy the spiritual person. I wish I had that comforting faith so that I could know that all is, will be OK no matter how the outcome.

I talked to The Bee about Mom. The Bee seems so angry and I told her it was OK. Get angry! I am not going to hold it against you, I told her. I am pissed myself! I don’t want my mom to be sick. There is so much that I need to tell her and ask her.

I will say that her care at Delco has made matters a bit better. Aside from a few individuals who almost made Old Rachée reappear, her care has been stellar. While she is not 100% I can take comfort in knowing that she is in pretty good hands.
Please.
Keep my mom in your thoughts as she struggles to get well.
Thank you
-r