Lust For Life

Say it Rah-shay By Aug 05, 2015 22 Comments

Or Lennie Briscoe saved my life. 


In the summer of 2004 I tried to kill myself twice.

I was reeling from the end of my marriage and having a difficult time coping. On the night of July 3rd, my family was trying to convince me not to leave the house for my overnight shift at work but I needed to leave. I had planned on killing myself THAT night and wanted to do so in the privacy of a nearby park which had been my solace.

After the mini intervention was over, I went to get ready for my night. First, I swallowed the pills I had been prescribed from my physician (pills which had, ironically,  helped me sleep during a bout of insomnia) had left and then went on as if things were normal.  What actually happened, per my sister, I got in the shower and fell asleep, somehow managed to get dressed and into my car where I passed out. The next thing I know is that I woke up in a local hospital where I was in the critical care unit and then the psych unit for total of 11 days. After attending therapy and saying the right things in the right way to the right people, I was discharged to my family. For the next few days I was never alone, constantly accompanied for meals, when I wore and just to make sure I was OK.

That sucked. I had a plan and wanted to get on with it but first I needed supplies. An opportunity presented itself when I had to run errands to a local drugstore. On sale was the biggest box of no frills pills I had ever seen and I was all, yes! Quantity over quality. If the 23 pills hadn’t done it’s job, surely the 48 in the box would? I took my pills home and hid them away waiting for my chance. A week or so later, after saying the right things in the right way to my family, I was trusted enough to be home alone and I knew then was my moment and this time, I was going to get it right.

I took a shower first and then worked on freeing the pills from their silver liner, chasing them with some peach iced tea. As I swallowed I thought that this was it and felt my body getting heavy and shaky. I rinsed my glass and made my way up to my room where I turned the TV on to Law & Order, excited that Dick Wolf’s detectives would lull me away. I set the timer because I felt it rude to waste electricity (although the same thought did not occur when I thought about my family finding a dead relative) and as my body grew heavier and my breathing grew a more labored I realized that I had never seen the episode of Law and Order that was on and I would never know how it ended.

Something startled me awake a bit later and I realized that I had a desperate, almost physical desire to see just how that episode of Law & Order was going to end, that I wanted to see the next one – TNT always had a block of episodes back then, that I did not want to die. I tumbled out of bed and stumbled to the bathroom hoping to purge myself of those pills. After trying to induce vomiting, I tripped my way downstairs to get more of that peach tea to get something into my stomach to get those pills up and moving. Seven cups of peach iced tea later left me unable to drink anything peach flavored for years. I had also vomited until my throat was raw and sore and I dragged myself back upstairs unable to keep my eyes open any longer.

Someone calling my name woke me again. It was my mom asking what I’d like for dinner.  I was all groggy, dry mouthed and still a little shaky when I woke up and my first thought was, “How did that episode of law & Order end”?



This was my piece that I was going to perform for the Delco Story Slam. I am hoping that sharing this will be helpful to someone.

Thank you for reading.


This post is a part of Shell Things Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays
The rules:

  • Write a post from the heart.
  • Something that has been weighing on you.
  • Something you feel passionately about.
  • Something you’ve been wanting to talk about.
  • A cause, a memory, a belief, a world view.
  • Anything.



I am mom, daughter, sister, yarn lover, word lover, crazy cat lady and library chick. Find me with book or with hook and a hot cuppa.


  1. Powerful story. I’m so glad you had the desire to keep going. xo

  2. Heather says:

    How brave of you to share. I am glad you had a change of heart.

  3. Kathy says:

    Whether is was an episode of Law & Order, a desire to see the next sunrise or a craving for apple pie, I’m glad that there was something that reminded you that living was worth it. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

  4. Shauna S. says:

    I’m so glad you are still here. I hope you keep having a desire and lust for life. There are so many obstacles and downfalls in life, that it is hard to stay positive and keep on going. Thank you for sharing this story. This is such an important topic for people to talk about.

  5. What a brave and powerful post. Thank you for sharing your story – it’s so important and I’m glad you were able to get through that difficult time.

  6. startraci says:

    So very thankful you had not seen that episode. Having had suicide in my family, I understand both the pain it leaves behind and how depression skews logic. The fact that wasting electricity seemed more important than your life shows the difficult place you were in. Brava to you for being rave and sharing your truth. I am quite sure it will help someone.
    Blessings to you.

  7. Very Very powerful, and next Wednesday I will be joining in. Your bravery and transparency is inspiring. Thank you

  8. Kita Bryant says:

    I truly understand. I killed myself in another way by gaining 100 lbs in 6 months because of depression. I am so glad that you fought through it and shared your story.

  9. Wow! What a blessing that you’re still with us today to share your story to inspire and encourage others. I admire your courage and bravery to share your story with others. God Bless you!

  10. I’m thankful for that episode or Law & Order. I hope our story inspires someone else to find something to hold on for. Thank you for your bravery.

  11. censie says:

    Wow, your story is real and full of bravery. Thank you for sharing. Depression is real and so is the urge to leave this earth. WE lost my cousin to suicide in April. Heart breaking but the ugly truth about depression. I am thankful for that tea and episode of law and order because you are here to share your story still. Keep telling it. xoox

  12. Very powerful story! Thank you for sharing.

  13. Wow.. brave and powerful at the same time. Glad you are here with us today!!

  14. Wow, this was so powerful. Thank God you didn’t succeed either of those times. Clearly, your gift and your presence is still needed here, especially to share with others.

  15. Sasha-Shae says:

    Wow! Powerful read. Glad you gave life another chance. Suicide is so real and often not talked about for fear of judgement, so thank you for sharing your story.

  16. MJ says:

    The power of the will to live no matter where it comes from is beautiful. I am so glad you lived and shared your story. I pray all is well now and you are ok.

  17. aidah says:

    Very courageous of you to share and also very important story for those that may be considering suicide. So happy that you made the decision to keep pushing.

  18. I’m so glad something inside showed you that life is worth living.
    Someone reading this needed to know they’re not alone, so thank you.

  19. joychasing says:

    Oh Rachee, i dont know what to say. I’m all glassy eyed over here. I’m thankful for law and order and even more thankful that you realized there were still things you wanted to see and experience.

  20. I’m glad you’re here to tell your story… someone needed this today.

  21. Stacie says:

    I think God used that episode of law and order to keep you here! Thankful that chose life and glad that you shared such a personal story. Hopefully it will help someone!

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