r’s note: This post is intended for mature audiences. So, if you are under the age of 18, please stop reading. If you are offended by the idea that people – me – may or may not have sex or even think about it (a lot) stop reading. Also, if you are my mom or uncle STOP READING!
My friend Tiffany recently shared a post she wrote on her blog about losing her virginity. Go read it; Tiffany is a phenomenal writer and just a wonderful person but I gush. I am mentioned in the post; I play the role of “an older friend and former colleague.” Since she published her post, Tiff and I have had an opportunity to discuss what she wrote, my response to our original conversation and here are some of my thoughts.
When Tiffany and I talked, I shared that I didn’t want her to be hurt or used or to be the tick mark of someone’s fantasy list. She turned the tables and asked me if it occurred to me that SHE was the someone enacting a fantasy and that she knew what she was doing. She concluded that I was just protective over those I care about and she’s right.
At the ripe old age of 41, I am still working my way through my feelings with (said in a small voice) sex. The Bee and I have had THE TALK, along with several more that leave us scurrying to our selective corners for recovery, and I understand that I have double standards when it comes to what I believe and what I do. I was raised to believe that the V card was something you held onto with all your might because only fast girls gave it away. Sex was something you only did with special person and that special person had to be the one and when you did do the deed, it was a private moment that you maybe shared with your diary and no one else. Sex was a bad word, equated with unwanted pregnancies that could ruin your life or a reputation that would leave the neighbors whispering. It was negative and scary and something that just was not really discussed at home unless it was a cautionary tale. My mom always said that she had sex one time and got pregnant with twins so for years I thought my fate would be sexy times and twins and a ruined life.
Images from http://imgur.com/gallery/PbrkY
I didn’t really date until I got to college (issues, y’all). When I started dating and thoughts turned to getting intimate, I realized that sex may not be so bad but I could still hear the words of my family, “tramp…hussy…hot ass (that last one is a Nellie-ism)” and would resist the temptation until I didn’t. The first time I had sex, I felt so guilty and so ashamed that I didn’t talk to my then boyfriend for a week. When he finally managed to get me to talk to him, I shared a bit of how I feel and he helped me to understand that we had done nothing wrong, that there was nothing to be ashamed of. In spite of his words of comfort, there was still a part of me which felt some distress for giving away my card but I felt like the door was open and there was no going back. And really, I didn’t want to go back. I felt like Janet from Rocky Horror…I tasted blood and I wanted more.
Images from http://imgur.com/gallery/PbrkY
In the years since that awkward dorm room encounter, I have had relationships with men I loved, men I was only fond of, men who I felt close enough to be bare and vulnerable with and men who were a combo of all three. There were still some negative thoughts but they grew quieter as I began to embrace the positive feelings I had towards sex. As I stand today, confident and feeling a bit more secure, I examine my thoughts. I don’t think of sex as an abominable act. It’s lovely and beautiful and something to be celebrated and enjoyed. The shame that is attached to it needs to be removed. My worth as a person is not determined by intimate relations with a partner and I understand that it is not something I HAVE to do nor something that my partners are required to do. While I have never felt forced or coerced by any relationship I have been in to have sex, I was never comfortable being the person to initiate the act, allowing my partner to lead the way. There was a part of me who still felt a bit “fast” if I showed that this may be a *gasp* enjoyable act. To combat this thought, I felt that if I were a passive participant, I could negate some of the wrong doing.
My conversations with The Bee, growing less awkward but still not so smooth, are full of these positive point of views. I do let her know that there is nothing wrong with her for her thoughts, her curiosity or her feelings but I do believe that sex is not something that she needs to rush and do. However, if she does choose a course of her own, I want to be as supportive and open as possible so she won’t be fumbling through the dark paths of misinformation while trying to figure her way.
I still struggle, now that I am single again I wonder what’s next. Whatever it is, I will be positive, honest and enjoy.
images from http://imgur.com/gallery/PbrkY
brilliant response Rachee!
Brave post today. It is so interesting to consider the seismic change in attitude towards sex since the advent of birth control. The word I’d like more people to use is ‘FUN’!
Interesting story/post! Lol at the Rocky Horror graphics!
I understand your view point. I can relate with how my family, and parents talked about, or lets say did not talk about sex. It was not until a sex therapy course I took during my master’s program, in my early 20s, did I become confident in my feminity and sexuality and comfortable in my body. Sex can be complex but it can also be really simple. I’m glad you are there to support the Bee as she figures out where her position in it all.
Oh the sex word is such a controversial topic even in 2015! God forbid a woman wants to have sex and enjoy it…why is it so taboo or even words like fast and thot get thrown around if we express it too much. I was like you too waited until college and then I had guilt for a little bit but then desired more. I am getting older and now sex for me does come with emotions and I only want to do it with someone I really trust and care about!
Yes! I was just getting ready to say the same! But I think the more it’s talked about, the less taboo it will be. I want to have a relationship with my kids where they feel comfortable talking to me about it.
The graphics tickled me so much! Glad you’re bold enough to talk about it!
Trust me when I say it was a long time coming!
So yeah, I’m one of those “keep it private” and “with the person that means something to me” people. Tried to try it another way and it wasn’t comfortable for me AT ALL.
Such a personal post! People, especially women, don’t talk about sex in a healthy way enough Kudos to you for embracing it.
I loved the post but the last gif creeped me out hahaha. I love that you can have open conversations with the Bee and don’t resort to scare tactics lol.. I feel like that method just peaks the curiosity
I believe that sex to be talked about more often in responsible ways (between spouses and partners). It has been seen as either the ultimate or ugly instead of just being goodl
I was raised in a religious household so sex was something only to be done after marriage. But I didn’t wait. I too felt really guilty in the beginning but then I got ALL the way over that and came into my own sexually. And now that I’m older sex means a little more to me. I view it as an intimate way to connect with someone and I choose not to be connecting with everyone.
It seems like my thoughts on sex have changed with each stage of life. I was convinced as a teen that I’d have sex once and end up pregnant because I had that kind of luck. I didn’t really date until later in college and then things changed. I don’t really regret what I did in the past (not that it’s all that exciting) though I’m worried about what choices my kids will make.
This post was cute and funny and vulnerable. I loved the disclaimer at the beginning! Kudos to you for sharing such an intimate story.
Growing up this topic was not to be discussed. My Mom was all kinds of old fashion and she never said a word. As a mother now I maintain and open and honest relationship with my kids. They are still very young so we haven’t had a deep talk but they know.