In which Effin Guy and I part ways for a moment.
Stressed.
This is the word to describe the last few weeks of my life. The usual suspects are there… work has been uber demanding. Summer is in full swing and all of parents in the area seem to think the library is a safe harbor. Being a mom is stressful. I have a combination of Sybil and Linda Blair living with me; I sometimes think The Bee’s head is going to spin and she will spit pea soup out of her mouth. This is in between loving hugs and sweet pats on the back assuring me that I do a great job as a mom and glares that would make a person not skilled in working with the public cringe. Being Mom’s daughter is stressful; no explanation needed. Hell, having a cat is stressful. My whole life feels like one big ball of fur and little paw swipes all over. The one thing that I counted on to be a relaxing thing was my time with Effin Guy. I would so look forward to Mondays where it was all about him.
Then my schedule changed. Last year at this time things were still kind of new so there were no expectations. We hung, we saw each other, and if we didn’t it was all groovy. But this year…not so simple. Things had started getting a little…”SERIOUS.” Ne and I became an Us and, well I panicked.
Things started to go south but not for malicious reasons. The summer schedule is a relaxed beast. Longer days, later dinners, slower mornings…more time for the kid to mess around. More time for me to procrastinate and every Mondays became every other, Tuesday slide bys became Tuesday bye byes and before I knew it a week had passed with only a pathetic text message as our only communication. With the wackiness of work and home I just kind pushed it aside. Tomorrow I would make a better effort. TOMORROW I would take the time, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. Instead tomorrow nevercame. We would have a quick chat or I would be snoozing and some drowsy nonsense would spew from me as I attempted to have a conversation*. When Effin Guy would reach out to me if I weren’t being pulled in six directions, kids are quite needy, especially kids that don’t belong to you, I was so wound up that I just snarled something at him and slunk home to my cave.
I knew, know, that I am wrong. After being married to The Dad I always said my next relationship would be full of communication, I wouldn’t let me get in my own way. But there’s a whole lot of me to deal with! Years of stupid self doubt, insecurities and fears fought and won the space in my head and I decided that this was it. Salt the earth, return your stuff, and the coup de grace…unfriending on Facebook.
It’s been a few miserable days. I miss Effin Guy. He wasn’t just my bloke but he became one of my best friends. He introduced me to sushi, the word moron to my vocabulary and HE should be called awesome. When I am singing the siren song of Rachee, self deprecating, whining, etc he changes the tune.
This post is yet unfinished. Last night we quasi bonded over gourmet pudding and we’ve had a few polite chats. Its coming along. The idea of we is not so bad. It still scares the snot out of me but if he’s my safety net, then bombs away!
To be continued…
-r
* Drowsy nonsense is not totally different from awake nonsense.
Ugh, I know the feeling. I have a great guy, too, but work, toddler, everything just makes me…tired. And he feels neglected. And I feel terrible. You know what to do. It certainly sounds like he’s worth the effort! Good luck!