It’s been about seven weeks at the new place and slowly, slowly I’ve been settling in. This new library is a complete change from what I’m used to it. Like, EVERYTHING is new. New role, new community, new route to work; it’s all different. And I both love it and loathe it.
The initial excitement I had about this change is wearing off. Even though I was in a weird place trying to figure the next move, and while I’m totally grateful for the new job, the newness and unknown are really getting to me. I went from being queen of the hill to new person on the block and it is daunting. At my most insecure moments I find myself comparing seven weeks to the 12 years at my old place and can’t wrap my head around why I haven’t gotten “it” yet. The pragmatic part of me knows that seven weeks at a new job is is not enough time to figure out this whole new role and successfully make it my own. The emotional part is insecure, impatient to just know all the things without taking the time to allow the growth that comes with the unfamiliar. The uncertainty of not knowing makes me defensive and insecure, uneasy, and it’s not a good feeling.
Reflecting on the early years at my old job I see similarities to my feelings now. The unknowing and worry were constants. Luckily I had and have a support system to help me get through these moments of doubt and allow for venting/whining sessions. I have been finding that my nerves are trying to ruin this for me. Im exhausted all day yet unable to sleep at night. My appetite is all over the place (I forgot to eat lunch three days in a row…what what?!) and forget knitting or reading. I cannot quiet my mind enough to focus on a pattern or the words on a page.
As I’ve struggled with these roller coaster emotions, The Bee has been ecstatic with her new job. She’s excited as she shares her day, her words bright and sunny as she chatters about her coworkers and the new things she’s learning. It’s infectious listening to her recount her day. I don’t want to ruin her experience with my gloomy thoughts so I’ve been working on ways to refocus the negative feelings I’ve been having to match her energy and passion.
It’s a slow road but with Spring around the corner, longer and warmer days to look forward to, the pressure I’ve been feeling is not so strong. Day by day I’ve taken some steps to go easy on myself as I learn and grow.
I’m signing off now to spend some time with a book and to drool over yarn and patterns. It’s going to be small steps each day to mesh this new unknown with Rachée who “knew all”. I won’t declare some challenge that I won’t keep, something else to add to my load but will promise that day by day, moment by moment, I will slowly reclaim my time and my mind.